Silence is Golden....sometimes

This was the post I was writing on Friday, April 25, 2008. Exactly 1 month ago today. I saved it for my baby girl,but never went public with it. Today, as my blog goes private, I share it with you. I ask that this information be shared among my family members and the few special friends I have invited to read. We are not prepared for this to be public knowledge at this time. Maybe in a few weeks I will change my mind.

Silence is Golden

Isn’t that an interesting phrase? Around my home, silence is rare, but it does come. You can find it in the wee hours of the night or, as I have discovered the past two days, during nap time on a school day.

At first, silence felt uncomfortable. I found myself on the Internet or the phone eager to connect and make some noise. Then, I began to remember the significance of that simple statement. In the silence, I found relaxation. In the silence, I discovered my thoughts, and it is in the silence, that I can listen to my heart and reconnect with myself. In the silence of folding clothes, I realized that I am doing a pretty good job being a mother. In the silence of rocking my sick son, I remembered what a strong and independent person I am. In the silence of pushing my son in his stroller, I had the time to recognize what a beautiful neighborhood we live in.

But, dare I say, noise is sometimes better.

As much as it is good to have time to be silent and listen to God working in your heart, noise is so beautiful. Hearing my son ask, “Look mommy! What’s that?” is simply delicious. Getting an email from Nicole and knowing that her heart is healing and her family is coping with their loss is priceless. Having time to connect with my dear friends Carolyn and Meredith by phone this week was a cherished luxury.

Noise can be such a powerful memory. Songs bring back specific memories. But words do too.. I can remember Cristina telling me 15 years ago… “,you funny Mrs. Robson!” and it still makes me smile. (that child is 20 now-ouch!) I love my memories of my sons crying after they were born to let me know they were healthy. I can close my eyes and hear my two oldest boys having brotherly conversations in their bedroom way after the lights went out, and enjoying their connection with each other so much that I walked away without saying, “go to sleep”.

And, I am grateful for the memories to come:

I look forward to adding to my memories, the sound of someone’s voice telling me that we have been invited by the MOE to travel and the dates which we will be going. I want to burn into my heart the sound of my daughter’s giggle and the judge announcing that we are her parents. And, I look forward to hearing Ariana and Aidan having conversations from one room to the other late at night long after they should have fallen asleep and me walking away with a big smile, so thrilled that they have each other.

Dear Lord, thank you so much for the opportunity for silence and the wisdom to appreciate it when it comes. And thank you for the noise in my life and the wisdom to cherish it with a grateful heart. Wherever our baby girl is, fill her heart with love and laughter. May she have lots of joyful noise in her life. Whisper in her ear how much her mommy and daddy love her and how much we look forward to cherishing all the noise she will bring to our family.

Now, Ariana, here is the point where I want to write. And God, would you just make the *bleep* phone ring!
And, wouldn’t you know it… IT DID!! RIGHT NOW! RIGHT AT THIS POINT WHERE I FELT I SHOULDN’T TYPE IT- IT WAS RUDE TO GOD… HE HEARD MY HEART AND THE PHONE RANG!

How cool was that!
I just knew when it rang it was CSS!!

It was Katrina, and she said we are registered in MOSCOW! Wahoo… She said we didn’t have travel dates. We won’t for at least 2 weeks. The next 2 weeks- the beginning of May, the Moscow Staff is gone on vacation. So maybe when they get back we might get an invitation to travel… but we probably won’t go until the end of June or July- so it may be June or July before we actually get invited to travel and get real dates.

Here is my message: trust in God! I really really really wanted to call and tell them to just register me in Moscow. That I understood other girls could come up earlier in other regions, but that I really felt drawn to Moscow. I know that another family, the Horsts, are registered in Moscow and hoping to meet a girl in late May- so that would mean we would need to wait for CSS to have another turn for a girl referral. And, odds are that another region like Kaluga or Tula would have a referral sooner.
But, I also wanted God to choose. I didn’t like taking him out of the mix! It needed to be what HE wanted, not what I wanted- because HE knows where you are! And, I bit my tongue. I haven’t called or written in 2 weeks to CSS. Your daddy is getting impatient and was ready to say just register us in Moscow, but by the time he would have gotten a hold of Carol, Moscow would have been on vacation and it would have been a moot point anyway.
Now, I wonder, are you the angel on the data bank?