Tid Bits 50 Days Post Pick Up

One of my greatest frustrations lately is not posting to this blog as much as I would like. I frequently drive down the road or crawl on the ground (you have to be a toddler parent to understand that one) and think.. I should blog that. Instead, it gets lost in the day. All those moments have gone undocumented for Ariana. She has so little history to hold on to, it is my hope that these stories and photos fill a bit of that ache for a past. There are a few tidbits I remember cherishing in the moment:

*I really wish I had taken a photo. Ariana had these 2 big shopping bags (I think one was American Eagle and the other was a boutique) and she was carrying them around the house. I was so excited to have a shopper! Now, if we can just get the financial situation back on track so I can afford her shopping lust.

*Ariana was pinned up against the pool fence yesterday screaming. She wanted in. I can remember the first time she got in she was terrified and cried real tears. Now she is another fish in the family!

*Aidan: "Do you love me little sister?"

First of all, Aidan rarely calls Ariana by her name at all. He refers to her as "little sister". Secondly, this struck such a cord. He really wants her to like him and to have a relationship with him. There is no way to explain to Aidan how love isn't possible for Ariana yet. I was reading (everyone gasp- I made time for a book that was just for fun) John Grisham's book "Playing For Pizza" (fun by the way), and she saw the photo of John Grisham. She takes it and kisses it over and over and says Dada. Well, JG doesn't look a thing like Ian. Heavens, he looks more like me than Ian. She is just kissing photos like she kisses the stuffed animals in our home and sadly, like she kisses us. A kiss to her is like "touch your nose". My role to her is clear. She tolerates me. She uses me for survival and, when she wants to reach a toy, to meet her 'needs'. She will cry for me, not because she misses me but because she fears how her needs will be met.

Ana still loves to mommy shop. I love wearing the Ergo carrier in public. No one reaches to take a baby in a carrier. I am the worst at saying, 'no' when she reaches for one of my dear friends, so I tend to stay home or wear the Ergo a lot. I know the fact that I have let her go to friends on occasion has only set us back on our journey. She is constantly making sure she can charm everyone for the time when I too leave her. Think about it, her mother and the neighbors who fed her when she was starving left her. All the nurses who cared for her during her 6 months in the hospital left her. When she got a spot in the orphanage, the groupas had 9 caregivers (they take shifts in 3s). I know she was in at least 2 groupas. In the first 2 years of her life I think no fewer than 30 "mommies" came and went. This is just her latest stop and she is doing what she must to survive. I am not sure how long it will take to become more than "the current caregiver". Especially, given that we are starting to transition to Day Care. I know that we have a high risk that she will never be able to attach and love me like her mommy.

Which sends me on 2 tangents I wanted to blog about. One is the fact that she did go to the baby room at IDS this last week for an hour and a half. She was nervous at first. I saw all the signs. I stayed about 45 minutes to help her adjust and then I left. The good news was that it was nap time so the chaos was gone. She didn't have to fight for a toy or get knocked over. She had the 3 caregivers to herself in a quiet environment. When I got back 2 kids had woken up and she was playing happily alone in the kitchen. She was talking to herself and giggling. I still get sick to my stomach thinking of her there from 7:30-3:30. Once I am back full time we will no longer have just Ana and mommy time. Now, we have those 8 hours to be together and work on bonding. Soon, she will always share me with her brothers. This week she will be spending about an hour and a half there every school day. Prayers are welcome. I want her to continue on her journey to attachment with us in spite of this situation. And, I need peace in my gut. The only upside is how fast the time goes for me. I know I have said it before, I love to teach! Really, that time just flies by and I love it so so much! You know, I never worried about leaving her with my 3 Spanish Abuelas in the baby room. Not when we were planning to adopt, and not now. They are so wonderful. What I worry about is our loss of time together and Ana's loss of individuality. She has always been one of many and she will continue to be. That is tough.

The other thing that I want to make sure to post is that I am going to take Ariana for an assessment for Neuro Reorganization also called Movement Therapy. Bette Lamont, the Brain Nanny, is coming to Orlando in November and we have an appointment. Basically, the research shows that all the little things that babies do stimulates growth in the different areas of the brain stem. For instance, the more time a baby spends on her belly with her head lifted up and she is scanning the horizon horizontally, the more neurons are developed in her brain. All the little things that babies do actually finish the growth and development of the Fetus brain. It is foundation work and if there is a crack in the foundation, as always the structure is unstable. What we now know is that things like Attachment, visual processing, auditory processing all kinds of things are tied back to this core development. Kids who don't get tummy time, who don't crawl enough, who aren't held.. all those movements from birth to 3 ... those children can't attach, have learning disabilities, emotional difficulties, motor challenges and a hole host of issues. BUT, you can go back and build those neurons thanks to the plasticity of the brain. I have many articles about it now if anyone is interested. I am eager to find out what we need to work on and have a plan in place to follow. RMT is another therapy that goes along with this and fills in some holes that I am learning about.

Nutrition is the other key we are focusing on. We know there is research about the benefits of fish oil and acidophilus for these kids. I am also learning about enzymes, specialized diets and other key ingredients in helping her body chemistry. Many of these kids have digestive issues. For some, they are adjusting to western food and honestly food beyond gruel. But others have immature systems and they need to re establish equilibrium in the gut. I have read about the havoc reeked on their systems by over use of antibiotics. Any how, the body is a chemical engine that hosts the soul and I am learning more than this Dorito loving McMama ever wanted to know about nutrition. Thank goodness for the internet. (Seriously, I can't believe I am giving my girl fish oil. )

Ana met our Attachment therapist this week. She loved the eye contact Ana gives me when she has a bottle and she was impressed with how well she sat for an hour. We learned some new things and we were happy to learn that she was very supportive of our NR appointment and also quite supportive of other alternatives such as cranial sacral therapy, massage therapy etc. It was a good meeting.

One wonderful thing I did this week was kidnap my boys. First, I snagged Aidan and we went to Bush Gardens. Just the two of us. Wow. I can't tell you how refreshing it was. It was delightful to just be with him and not fuss at him to give his sister some personal space. He is such a good boy. So easy to manage. We had such fun. Best of all, I got some real hugs. Ariana doesn't know how to give a real hug. Actually, she doesn't have the emotion and true feelings behind a real hug. It made me savor my Aidan hugs. He lays his head on your shoulder and melts right into you. Ariana has NEVER laid her head on my shoulder. Not one time. She is always rigid and upright. I am working on it, but she is naturally fighting it. It just makes my appreciation for Aidan grow. I am so grateful to have someone who easily loves. We went to Dragon Land and rode every ride and played all over the play sets. We both needed it.

Then, I forced Corbin to go see City of Ember with me. I think there may have been a threat or two thrown in. We had read the books together in 6th grade I think..maybe 5th.. I honestly just wanted some Corbin solo time. Wow, it is tough to connect with a teenager. He thinks everything is motivated to check up on him or judge him... Today, Ian is taking Corbin to Coco beach for paintball team practice. He and Aidan are going to see space ships at Kennedy and build sand castles while Corbin has practice. Ana and I have been having some solo time while Collin plays with his friend. She is very crabby today. She was up a lot last night, so I don't know if her tummy hurts or she is mad at me for leaving so much yesterday. All I know is that she is frustrated at everything and grumpy today. I am working overtime trying to distract her. She certainly isn't letting me comfort her. (but that day will come)