As I keep brewding over, Ariana is far from attached. If Dr. Gordina hadn't given us the "high risk for RAD" diagnosis, followed by a lecture on life with a teenager with RAD, it probably wouldn't consume me nearly as much. But, I heard her. And now I do. (worry, stress, brew that is) I read other PAPs blogs and I hear how their children let them rock them 5 minutes, for hours, until they fall asleep... it varies. But, I feel alone in the category of:
My-child-arches-her-back-and-screams-bloody-murder-and-squirms-with-all-her-might-to-get-away-from-me mom
To a biological parent who raised their child, this would look like a normal 2 year old trying not to be restrained from discovering the world, or trying not to go to bed if it is night time. As one who has spent hundreds of hours learning all I can about transitioning and bonding with a toddler, I see it for what it really is. She is scared to let me comfort her. Her amygdala is terrified to trust and depend on me. Her sense of life and death says that she must care for herself because after 30+caregivers in her short 25 month life, I am only temporary. She is all that is permanent. She is the only one she can depend on being here tomorrow. So, she fights me. She doesn't melt against me and sob when she is hurt. She doesn't look for me if she leaves the room or I leave the room. She doesn't relax during her daily massage. And, she doesn't snuggle in and enjoy being held for the joy of being held.
But, all the experts tell me to stick with it. Fight through the resistance.
I had gotten into the bad habit of letting Ian put her to sleep. Actually, he put her in her bed and he climbed into bed with Aidan (A&A are currently sharing a room because it makes bedtime with a traveling husband possible) and he would fall asleep. With Ian in the room, they felt safe and unstimulated. They would pass right out.
Ian went out of town today and I knew I needed to try to rock her. All the rejection from previous attempts had sent me looking for other avenues to break down her walls. So, I committed tonight to hanging in as long as I could. I didn't expect any form of success. I expected the usual.
And, I got it. For 28 long, long minutes.
For 28 minutes I tried to rock in the rocking chair as she arched away. As she went stiff as a board. As she screamed and cried. As she tried to stand up. As she tried to crawl away. And as she tried to throw her self to the floor.
For 28 minutes I "shh'd" and stood and swayed side to side. For 28 minutes I said it was OK. For 28 minutes she tested me. For 28 minutes she let me know she couldn't trust me. For 28 minutes she fought to be in control and depend solely on herself.
And, after 28 minutes, as I sang a made up song, she put her thumb and finger in her mouth, sucked and snuggled in to be swayed as I stood.
I sang: Where is mommy? Where is mommy? Here I am. Here I am. I will be with you forever. Always and forever. To hold my (Her Russian name). To love my Ariana.
The verses changed as we enjoyed that moment. The spell was eventually broken when Aidan came in looking for me to help him fall asleep too. But, I will treasure my moment. Odds are, tomorrow she will have renewed energy and determination to not fall spell to my attempts to connect. As my attachment therapist tells me, "Her brain is telling her that she NEEDS to be an island to herself within your family." My job is to find the keys to build bridges from each of us to her.
As I read other's posts, I am grateful that for now she isn't biting, hitting, scratching or throwing things at me. It may come. She still might think she needs to act charming to keep me around for her safety. She may come to a point where she does want to test me in that way. But, I am aware that moments like tonight are taking longer for us to achieve than most.
So, I cherish her wonderful long lasting and deep eye contact.
I cherish her preference for me over anyone else.
I cherish her complete exuberance when she sees me after being in the baby room for an hour and a half.
And, I cherish my memory of a made up song as I held my baby girl close and rocked her side to side.
Dear Lord, thank You for my wonderful moment. Thank you for all the positive signs of attachment and for the wisdom and guidance of experts and experience. Lord, please help me to do everything that I can to help Ariana attach to me. Lord, heal Ariana's heart, mind, body and spirit so that she can grow to love her family and live a joyful life. Amen.
Tomorrow marks 2 months from the date my mother and I picked Ana up from the orphanage. Hopefully, I can get a milestone check and a 2 month "gotcha day anniversary" photo.
3 comments:
Michelle - If anyone has the strength, dedication and perseverence to build those bridges, it is definitely you!! Knowing is half the battle and you have educated yourself to the fullest and that little girl is SO very lucky to have a mommy that is willing to wrestle those 28 minutes in order to break down the barriers. Hang in there - she will soon realize what a great family she has and that your family IS forever! Thanks for sharing your experiences with us!!
You hang in there girl, you're doing exactly what you should be doing. Tough it out, you CAN outlast her. Some days, I have to remind myself that they (all four of them) CANNOT win or I haven't done my job. But it's SO hard to do. Especially when your very act of loving is the thing that is terrifying the pants off of them. But you have it right and you're doing the right things, keep it up. I so wish I had done it differently with Liam.
I went through the same thing with Artem. Every night I would hold him while he screamed and fought to get away from me. I kept thinking to myself, "this is for his best interest, I have to keep holding him." Eventually, I "broke" him for lack of a better word and he finally snuggled me at night instead of fighting me. But until that happened I was afraid the neighbors were going to call CPS on me b/c of how loud Artem would scream but I knew in my gut I had to outlast him and show him I wasn't going anywhere and I wasn't giving up on him. And now I have a son who snuggles me, kisses me, holds me, and wants to be with me.
Hang in there, it will work out and your hard work will pay off.
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