Reflecting on June 18, 2008

Wednesday, June 18, 2008 was the day that we faced the fork in the road so to speak. We were armed with frightening information. Information although we had no present physical information to back up, we must acknowledge as a possibility. No, we had to acknowledge and view it as a truth. And this historical information laid out a potential future right out of our nightmares. Everything we were supposed to be avoiding.

In our minds we debated the information.
This is a scary prediction.
She looks and acts so normal (for an orphan).
You have to think of the boys. Of Aidan who will grow up with her.
Look at the progress this angel has made in one year. If we never knew this and only had the present to go on we would pinch ourselves with joy.

In our hearts there was turmoil.

She had connected to Ian so well. An answer to my biggest prayer as he was the most concerned before leaving.
I can't say it was love at first sight. But there was no way that my heart would entertain taking another little girl home and leaving her. We couldn't even bear the thought of going to the MOE and asking to meet someone else even if Nadia would remain available to us.
The turmoil was some sort of connection that made us protective of her and the need to protect our sons.


We went Wednesday to see Nadia again. This time we seemed to have established some sort of routine with her. She wasn't upset to see us. She just viewed us as a private part of her new routine.

We had accepted her as our referral the day before on paper. Before we got the news from Dr. Gordina. We had accepted her on paper but not totally in our hearts. We knew there was time to change our minds, especially after Dr. G called.

But Wednesday went so normal for us. I did get to feed her some gruel. And she drank a bit. She still wasn't into the food I brought and she was a big rule follower. She only ate when the caregiver said it was ok. We went outside and enjoyed some sun. It had been raining the other days. She loved the play ground and being pushed along in a stroller or on a tricycle with a handle. She still does! We just kept marking milestones off on all of my developmental charts. Remember I had a binder full of them and it is my profession to evaluate children. One thing Dr. G did comment on was how amazing my reports to her were. Very objective and highly observant. OK. This is my life. You don't test 4 and 5 year olds. You pay attention. And my attention on her just kept demonstrating that as she felt comfortable we saw a child who was very close to normal. I think she was around the 18 month mark and she was 21 months old. Pretty amazing for a girl who couldn't sit up at 1. (had been in the hospital waiting for a spot in the orphanage. The minute she made it to Fryazino, she soared developmentally)
This girl was smart. That isn't just a mom talking. I have now had her tested by 3 specialists now. She is SMART. CRAZY SMART. The question was: Would she use her powers for good? Time and time again we saw things that made us certain she could. The way she didn't let us feed her unfamiliar food. She had a sense of not trusting. The way she cried for her caregiver and the way she was comfortable and more capable around her caregiver. The fact that she demonstrated stress with us (her eyes dilated, her shoulders would go up and she would make loose fists- small things that no one else ever caught but me and one professional) Truth is that she still gets stressed. When things happen you can see her brain lets out an unusual amount of cortisol. Not the typical reaction. She goes in- and no one else- not even Ian notices it. But I do. If she falls when walking in a pool or can't reach her food- watch the eyes dilate. Watch the shoulders stiffen. Smaller signs. Signs that I just need to help her control the cortisol. Everyone has issues. I am mildly dyslexic and predisposed to be overweight. So we compensate if we want success. I study much harder and if I want to be healthy I have to work harder than some. She will benefit greatly from biofeedback as she learns to train her responses .
Ok, I went on a tangent. I was talking about the signs of normalcy. The signs of hope. Even Dr. Gordina couldn't find a behavior that she was currently exhibiting that pointed to RAD or FASD. So far, she consistently reacted in text book responses. For her- having been through so much that first year, she shouldn't be trusting or confident. She wasn't mommy shopping. But she didn't hit or run from us either. She showed that she understood how to nurture through the way she took care of her stuffed animals. Even needing a stuffed animal to help her to be with us was a great coping mechanism. She never went back into her head the way she withdrew that first few hours on that first day with us. I don't think that I blogged how that experience ended with her falling asleep in my arms. I got her to the point where she relaxed enough to sleep in my arms that first day- but it was helped greatly by the exhaustion from the stress she was under. Her brain just needed to reboot in my opinion. And it was her scheduled nap time which also helped.

By Wednesday we were her friends. Playmates. We were there for her enjoyment and entertainment. We were not parental or caregiver figures at all. It was good that she could classify relationships too.

I have to admit we probably went looking for a reason to say, "no" in the back of our minds. But there was just this bond we were building. A connection. And she never gave us any reason to say no. In fact being with her we were only filled with 'yes'. Sure she was an orphan. Sure she had very little muscle development and therefor balance. Sure she was skinny and tiny. But I had prayed for a tiny girl who I could carry around. My 10lb newborns were hard to carry and comfort. My arms went numb and my back ached. I had to always sit with them. But she was a feather and I could hold her forever... except that she was a toddler who was ready to go go go as they all do. She would go for a toy and then come back to us which was a great sign. Yep, she had little hair. Probably malnutrition from birth and then due to the giardia. But also a big result of the cortisol (stress hormone). Her hair still grows thin- and I think it is because she still does more cortisol than typical and her gut I am sure will take time to heal (so she doesn't absorb all the nutrients). But thankfully I followed on the heals of others. I had seen countless gotcha day photos. Yep. Some are baby buddahs. Healthy and Strong. But mostly they were thin, sick and needy. I taught an amazing little boy last year who went straight to Vanderbilt hospital upon arrival. He is the athlete of the year now. She looked so much better than most of the kids I had seen and read about.

We left feeling so much better. We left much more confident. Yes, in the back of our minds we knew we could still change our mind, but we didn't want to. We couldn't let go yet. But, we weren't 100% committed yet either. And that is the ugly but true fact. I can be embarrassed to admit it. I can avoid putting it in print knowing that Ariana will someday read it. But, I hope she also sees two parents who didn't rush into taking her in. We took our decision very seriously. Two parents who decided they were going to love and stick by her no matter what. Two parents who didn't turn and run the other way to see what other choices were out there (was door #2 better?) Two parents that care for their children and don't take life altering experiences lightly. Just as we had to protect our sons then, we now feel just as protective of her. I hope she also sees how SHE lights up our lives and always has. No matter what other people think or say or what her life's report card looks like. We see the amazing wonder that is our Hope.

In retrospect you can always see God's plan.

Really. How would this little girl have ever been available to us if she didn't have her story? Her groupa was all destined for Russian families all except 2 kids. She would have never made it off the database if she had arrived to the orphanage as strong as she was when she left. Her need for development bought me time. And Russians like young girls. Being a little older did help my cause, her dark hair/eyes and complexion did help a bit too- although she had a Russian last name. But I am sure the court case is the only reason she could be so amazing, so beautiful, and still there for us. God had a plan. He protected her through her trials. He protected her brain, her organs, her body, her spirit. He carried her through her desert. I don't know how I can possibly be her promised land- but she is certainly ours.