I look back and notice that I didn't actually post a blog on the Tuesday of my visit last year. That is quite understandable as that is when the poop hit the fan so to speak.
Tuesday started out bright. We had gotten great preliminary news from Dr. M. We saw her shine with her care givers. We were still guarded when we got there on Tuesday but by the time we left we were ready to parent this little girl. The day started out bright- cloud nine in fact.
I pause to thank God for Ondrea (which I do frequently). Ondrea has not only adopted 3 herself from Russia but she is a social worker who helped families just like ours. Ondrea was God's arms that day as she carried us through. Well, Ondrea and all of those amazing FRUA friends who had posted their tales.. Well, ok, Ondrea, my FRUA friends and the mothers of the Russian babies in my classroom. All of these people reminded me that orphans are often in great need when you meet them. They often have very sad prognoses but with attention, not ignorance, you can help them grow and thrive.
It may have started out bright, but it ended dark as dark gets.
That Tuesday was my darkest hour. That Tuesday we had fallen in love and decided to make Ariana a member of our family. And then, Dr. Gordina scared the heck out of us with FASD and RAD stories. She insisted this was her future and that we shouldn't let love play a part in the decision. She had warned us to stay objective. She was doing her job. Her job wasn't to tell us what we wanted to hear but to make sure we knew the worst it could be and make sure we wouldn't disrupt the adoption if that ever came to pass.
Anguish.
We knew one thing. We did not want to meet another child. We wanted to take the whole week to decide what was right for her and our family.
Despair.
Desperation.
All consuming sadness...
It was like a death of sorts. We were sure she was fine. She had no FASD features. She had no organ issues at all. She had low muscle tone and rickets. But, as I spent two days going through all kinds of developmental charts I continued to tick off the accomplishments. She actually cried on the second day. Like "you are going to make me do this again?? Take me home!" but we got her to play ball and with stuffed animals. We watched her with her groupa and caregiver again and that was when she showed what she could do. That was when her spirit lit up.
Her health seemed so great. Her development so amazing for an orphanage. We were sure all would be fine.
But, Dr. G called that night.
Dr. G laid it on the line.
Dr. G forced us to look to a possible future with a girl incapable of love, empathy, understanding. A girl who would hurt others because she had no concept of pain in that way.
A girl whose brain had been damaged.
A girl who would need order in our chaos.
A girl who would hit and bite.
A girl who would throw tantrums.
A girl who would need real help.
We cried.
We talked.
We sat in silence and mourned our loss of the girl we thought we met.
We talked to Dr. G again. She could hear the depression. She told us it was doable but we would need professional help.
That night we went to bed about as low as one can go.
They say drug addicts hit bottom. OK, this has to be something like that bottom. We weren't suicidal, but again- a really black bottom dwelling kind of place. Someplace so dark that eventually tears couldn't be shed. We could only ball up and withdraw a lot like the little girl we met on the first day.
The only thing worse that I can imagine is the death of a child or spouse.
A year later, Ariana is in her crib playing and reading books as I try to crank out my third remembrance installment.
We did hire professionals.
We did have attachment issues that lasted far longer than my friends'.
Now, I am far more concerned with my 3 year old son's male aggressive habits than hers. He wants to wrestle. (even after 3 boys I can't stand this ritual)
Ariana still has the beautiful spirit we met. She is a joy in spite of all the chaos we throw at her.
Knowledge is power. And knowledge led us to many professionals who have guided us to give Ariana the best we can.
If it hadn't been for Dr. G, we probably never would have hired any of them because she was so normal for an orphan. So typical. But, I am glad we did.
That little girl's brother just crawled in her bed with her and they are giggling so beautifully. Ummm ok, that probably means I should go check and see what double trouble is up to!
I am so glad that day is a distant memory. I am so grateful that my husband and I followed our hearts and lept. We let the girl in front of us lead our decision not the files and papers. We let what we could see, hear, touch, smell, and enjoy tell us what we needed to hear. We let our heart speak of what it knew to be true rather than our brains squash us with what ifs based on a bunch of maybes.
I can also share now too, that we felt huge pressure to say yes in the first hour from our translator. We learned from Dr. G that we were told half truths and now that we have all kinds of conflicting documents, we can't believe much of anything at all. We don't even know if mom was the drunk they claim she was. Ana certainly came unscathed from what apparently was a woman who only drank. I can't be upset. If she had been dropped of at birth, without a story to scare PAPs away the Russian's would have adopted her long ago. If the courts knew how developmentally perfect she was and how she just needed to get rid of the Giardia so she could gain some weight, they would have denied my request.
A year later I look at that as my darkest hour. I hope with all my heart that it remains that way forever. I never ever want to feel that low again.
God Bless all those who carried us in their own way that week. Most are unaware that a story they shared gave us the hope we needed. A few had to literally be our rocks. God bless everyone of those who helped us through that dark day in their own way.
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