A Year Later

Tomorrow marks the beginning of my "A year Later" posts. For, a year ago tomorrow we went to the MOE and got our referral for Ariana. I remember the MOE putting two photos on the table. I am ashamed to admit that I looked at the two photos and because I was thinking I would receive an non-Russian looking child, I was sure the other photo was Ariana and horribly I was jealous that the other family was going to meet the beautiful amazing child in the first photo. And, then, the MOE slid the more ethnic looking picture towards our travel partners. I actually pray for that child often in silence. That little boy turned out to have some pretty profound medical challenges. I still wear insane amounts of guilt over how I reacted to that simple photo... but my heart was busy yearning for my daughter. My Ariana. The beauty in the photo that I couldn't take my eyes off of. I will write more tomorrow, but today I was outside blowing bubbles with Aidan and Ariana and remembering how I brought Gymboree bubbles with me for our first visit. Ariana was not interested in the bubbles at all. She didn't seem to even acknowledge their presence and these are the bubbles that don't pop unless you attack them. The floor was covered with them and she had nothing to do with them. She was such a scared wet kitten. A victim. I wondered if she would ever learn to say no and defend herself or if she would be a victim forever.
And, now, a year later my daughter lets me rock her. My daughter calls me mama and screams at me and says NO so much I struggle to remember that little girl in the orphanage.