Ok. Not quite a year later....

Ariana had her second Gotcha day last Sunday. I can't believe my life has been blessed with my angel two years already. She is the most amazing miracle ever and it's shocking how often I look in her eyes or watch her just exist and think that to myself. When you give birth to a child, you often look at them with wonder that such a miracle could be. I wasn't sure how that would translate with adoption. For me, I have a whole 'nother kind of wonder. Having felt this compulsion since before I was even a teenager I look at her with the wonder of God. I look at her and think, this is my reward for being faithful to the message he burned on my heart so long ago. This is the wonder he had in store for me. The ache. The longing. This is why he put all that there. So I wouldn't miss out on her. I can't imagine not getting to experience all that makes Ariana so totally amazing. Her silly voice. Her talking to her stuffed animals. Her glee with a new pair of shoes. Her joy over anything we buy her. "You bought this for me?!" Her love and compassion for our dog, Banjo. The world is her gift. She sees everything as such pure pleasure. Ariana lights up a room. Wherever she goes everyone knows who she is and all the moms of the boys want her to marry their sons. She is just such a joy. Who am I to be so blessed to share in her light?

So, here are a couple of photos. But make sure you look over to the left. Notice the first Gotcha day photo in the pink dress in front of the Fryazino orphanage August 22, 2008. Then last year we put the same dress on her and got a picture outside. This year we had let the dress down, lengthening it about an inch and a half. I threw it on her after her bath at bed time just to get the shot on the actual day. I can't believe I was able to get it on her. It blows my mind to see how she has changed!

First day back at her Exceptional Needs Pre K class at the local Elementary school:

Today was her first ballet/tap class. I am unashamedly re-living through my daughter!

St Thomas Freshmen win 35-0

Corbin had his first game at St. Thomas Aquinas tonight. He did great!

Corbin is number 73! offensive right guard

Here is his cheering section!

Ariana wasn't so into my bow, but Aidan got into the spirit!
I had a great time making Ariana a special outfit for her brother's game!

OK, she wasn't into the game too much...

But number 73 rocked the house! Go Corbin!!!

The famous A!!

Home of the national champions!!

This was how we kept them from going up and down the bleachers.. Aquinas fans like to watch. The Freshman game was actually almost full. CRAZY.


We had a great time. Honestly the score could have been reversed and Corbin could have never touched the field and we would have loved every second. What a great memory.

Update Time

After a short break, I managed to grab some photos off my computer and create a smile box slide show. As usual it is primarily Aidan and Ariana. My teenagers are photo phobic.

Corbin is now in full swing at high school. He is playing freshman football and might start tonight at his first game. Not that we care one way or the other. We are just so incredibly proud of him for the effort he is putting forth. St. Thomas' Varsity is the current National Champion and ranked #1 for this season. They are REALLY REALLY good. Corbin has played football for the last 4 years, but this year he climbed in the car the first day and said, "I quit." In fact 40 kids did quit that first day, but Corbin stuck in there. I really believe that learning perseverance is a gift in itself. A great deal of self respect is born out of pushing through especially when you may never touch the field. But Corbin has also been rewarded with the gift of friendship, team spirit, and a new respect for physical fitness. You have to end the day a little more humble than you began it when you think you are a fit teenage boy and your coach demonstrates otherwise. The other day Corbin was talking about how hard holding a squat for ten minutes used to be and how it is so much easier now. I still can't get him to say anything good about an up-down though.
He is learning the lay of the land in a Catholic School. For instance, if you leave your HW in your locker it is still a zero an hour later. There isn't a lot of latitude - get it together or get out.
Corbin and Collin are both taking Catholic education classes this year. Corbin will be done this Easter where as Collin will do the traditional 2 year program. I'm still not ready to personally take any steps toward becoming a Catholic, but I am thrilled for my boys.

Collin is in the 6th grade and has officially started Middle School. We are having our first public school experience. He is taking 8th grade Pre Algebra and doing great with a 97 right now. All his other classes are Advanced Placement and he has grades from 99 to 101. Falcon Middle School has the highest cumulative test scores in the state on the FCAT. This school is the best that the state has to offer. Collin has so much to be proud of. He has become quite the book worm. I think he has read at least 10 books since school started. His new series is the James Patterson one for teens. In so many ways he is Ian's little clone- a Big heart, passion for reading and school just seems to be so simple for him. (must be nice). He refuses to talk about private schools while Falcon starts at 9:30 and gets out at 4. He is in heaven sleeping until 8:00 each morning and still having free time before the bus.

Aidan is actually spending less time at school this year. Last year Aidan was going full time- because I was working. This year he goes all day T/Th and 3 hours MWF. For the first time he is expressing curiosity about letters. I am trying to spend time each day helping him with readiness skills. God Bless all those who home school. It is so incredibly hard for me to force myself to sit and work when I can see so many chores that need to be done. I am so easily distracted. At least for now, working with him is a "break". PK/K is MY curriculum- the stuff I love to do. It is FUN. Sad to say, contractions, Florida History, the scientific method... yuck. I am glad someone else finds it all facinating.

Ariana is in speech twice a week and OT twice a week. We are also taking gymnastics together and we have joined a play group. She recently had her 1 year home well check and I can't say it went "well" by my standards. She weighed in at 20.5 lbs. The same as she weighed last year. She was stuck with a "failure to thrive" label and will be seeing some specialists...a neurologist, a gastrologist and an endocrinologist. We are waiting to hear the dates as the pediatrician is setting all the appointments up for us apparently. (Isn't that weird?) Ariana did grow this year. I haven't pulled out the memory box to see how much but I can look at her photos (below) and see how much she has grown. Maybe all of the calories are going into height and nothing is left for weight. Although I have been hemming and hawing about her weight all year- expressing concerns and having eyes rolled at me, I have to say "she LOOKS healthy". I see muscles on her. I see her move with more grace and ease than before. I see better coloring and better posture. She hasn't been a sickly kid, in fact Aidan is the one with a constant green goopy nose, not Ana. She doesn't seem extrodinarily sleepy or listless. She seems to hold her own keeping up with her peers. My guess is that we won't find anything but piece of mind after seeing all the doctors.

Ian still loves FPL, Miami and being at home so much more. He would prefer to sleep an extra hour, but he enjoys spending the mornings with Corbin and getting him to the bus.
He has been in charge of putting the little ones to sleep at night- by then I really need a little people break. Lately this means he reads to them, tucks Ariana in and then goes to lay down next to Aidan until he falls asleep... mean while, Ariana sneaks out of bed and charms her way into mine while I read or watch TV. She has learned that whining gets a quick pass right back to her bedroom while cute and adorable gets extra mommy time until daddy returns to discover my treachery.
Converting her crib into a day bead has opened a whole new world to her. Talk about sneaky and wise.... during nap time Sista will sneak out of bed, close her door, go into the playroom, shut the doors and play quietly... it didn't take her long to figure out if she came and found me I would put her back in bed, and loud noises would be her undoing too.. so she is stealth.

As far as I am concerned, I thought being home would mean I got everything done. HAH!!! I still feel like I am coming up short all the time. The house is never clean enough, there are always errands to run, appointments to make and keep, weeds to pull. The laundry never ends and no matter how much time I sit and talk or play with my kids, I always feel like it isn't enough. And, that is why my blog just isn't what it used to be. But, I'm not totally ready to give it up just yet.

photos: then and now

Then...

Above are 2 photos taken in Fryazino, Russia on August 22nd 2008. This was taken right before my mother and I carried our angel, Ariana Elle, out the gates and into our family.

Now....

The above 2 photos were taken August 22, 2009

1st year anniversary of our Gotcha Day

I really just wanted to put her in the same dress and take a photo a year later to compare the pictures. Both of these photos are current. She turns 3 in a month. She hasn't actually gained much weight, a pound or two, but she has gotten taller- her feet wouldn't possibly fit into those shoes and last year they fell off when we lifted her up to carry her out. She has LOTS of muscles now-she is very tone, but she doesn't have the toddler chunkyness... she looks like a little gymnast or dancer with all the curves from her muscles... a far cry from muscle dystonia.. and do you think she has gotten some sun down here in Fla??? bye bye rickets!

Gotcha 1 year ago today!

I think I was around 9 years old when the family across the street (mom/dad/2sons) adopted a little girl through their church: Autumn. From that moment on I told my family and friends I wanted to adopt from China some day.. ok, China wouldn't have me. I am too fat, and quite honestly by the time we hit the front of the line we would have been too old..God put us on the path to Fryazino instead. It wasn't what I expected, but I would have been to scared to ask for everything I got in my daughter. I see our destiny in the little details. For years I had an uncontrollable desire to have a daughter. Seriously I would say it was unnatural and kind of creepy. Now I think it was there to get me to my daughter, because it is all gone. I always had a special relationship with the curly head girls in my class-I loved to play with their hair. And, now I run my fingers through my angel's hair. I love her tan skin, her brown eyes and her long toes. I am telling you God wrote her on my heart in the details. A lot of what God preprogrammed in me makes so much sense now that she is in my life.

A year ago today, August 22nd, 2009 I walked out of the Fryazino orphanage outside of Moscow Russia with my mother and my daughter Ariana Elle. At first when we came to get her she was excited to have the attention... to get dressed up and have all the cameras flashing... to have all the caregivers hugging her. When we went to climb into the car she was so incredibly indescribably terrified. She clearly thought the car was going to kill her- she was that that determined to get out of the car- making that much noise-that terrified. It took a long long time in the car to get her to lift her head out of my chest and peek out the window...

that set the stage for our whole journey... it all takes time.
Ariana needs to warm up to anything new. Once she feels secure she is fearless, but in all new things there is a journey. I will say that day care and babysitters have never been in that category. That is one dance she knows by heart. She "gets" being left. She knows how to charm the caregivers. She knows the rules of that particular game and she is stunned by the kids who cry and don't get in trouble for it. For the most part I rarely leave her with anyone but our family or her Nana. She did spend sometime at our school Day Care last spring, and recently she and Aidan stayed with the girls down the street, but that is about it.

The first few months Ariana had me all the time (and a lot of Ian) to herself while the boys went to school. I saw lots of progress. During the spring, when I had to go back to work-Ian moved to Miami for his new job and attention was sparse, I saw her stagnate. That transition from our Tampa life to our Ft. Lauderdale life wasn't the best for her. I would describe it as wasted time, not a step backwards. But over the summer I have started to see the progress again. Now that the boys are all headed back to school, I think Ariana will be blessed by the one on one time. I have even signed us up for a mommy and me gymnastics class to get her acquainted with the gym and we are part of a moms play group.

Ariana loves:
*her family, especially her daddy and Aidan
*her Nana- she even asks for her- they have a special bond from their time in Moscow together
*to swim
*to read books
*to go for walks
*junk food
*anything I am eating
*dolls
*Dora and Diego
*baths
*playgrounds
*animals
*to wash dishes in the sink and help me clean house
*makeup and putting it on carpets and walls
*art projects of all kinds from paint and markers to crafts
*shoes
*mommy saying how pretty she is

Ariana doesn't like:
*being different/not having exactly what someone else has- she hates that her car seat is different from Aidan's, she has to have whatever you have on your plate so she often has a smorgasbord, what ever Aidan is wearing or playing she must have one too..
*Being put to bed
*that we can't always understand her
*waiting
*not getting what she wants when she wants it
*that she shouldn't brush her own hair
*me taking something from her
*wearing bows or ponytails for more than an hour

Ariana is:
*adorable
*always surprising me with how smart she is
*observant
*loud
*charming
*cautious
*loving
*careful
*curious
*prissy
*DRAMA DRAMA DRAMA
*my angel
*patient- she puts up with our chaos and messyness so well. She has really learned to just go with the flow most of the time...


I wanted to post this now while it is on my heart. Ariana is off on a bike ride with Aidan and daddy. They were going to the church and then on to the park... I want to get some photos of her today- I am hoping to put the same dress on her she wore a year ago to mark how she has grown. So that post will come tonight along with how we celebrated the day!!

Favorite Photo Friday

One thing I have done every year since I started teaching 20 years ago, is raise monarchs from eggs to butterflies in my classroom. Plant some milkweed and they will come. Ariana really got into it with me this year. We had over 50 caterpillars eating up our milkweed. When they get big enough I let the kids hold them. Ariana was brave, curious and extremely gentle. She could spend hours upon hours watching them munch and crawl. Aidan also got into it, but he was waiting for them to change. Every morning he was disappointed they weren't butterflies yet. Ahhh- patience. Such a horribly frustrating life lesson.

In my deep desire to be proactive and organized, I have already ordered the kid's Halloween costumes. They are really really really into dress up right now, so I went all out. I figure they wear the heck out of every costume we have so I will get my money's worth. We picked them out and placed our order and then Aidan ran to the door to see if it was here yet. He went to the door six times that day. He woke up the next morning and ran to the front door. Now, every time the door bell rings he screams: "MY COSTUME!!". And Ian thinks he is going to be able to keep him out of it until Halloween. (yah. Good Luck) Ariana picked out a fairy costume. I wanted her to be a flower, but I put 3 photos in front of her and she kept picking the same one. A pink fairy. Aidan settled on an astronaut with all the trimmings including an inflatable space shuttle.

You just have to love the poser.
Can you find Aidan in the ball pit??

Ariana was dancing around like a monkey.

Then it was silly face time!

A year ago today I stood in Russia in a courtroom and said, "I support my husband in HIS decision to adopt." Hmmm. The first of many sacrafices for my darling daughter. Fortunately for us, the judge did proclaim us new parents and we began the 11 day wait for it to really be official. The day the appeal period was over and we actually went to pick up our daughter (well my mother and I did) was August 22nd.

This time last year Russia was defending a neighboring country that had been invaded and President Bush was speaking very negatively about Russia's role in the event. Talk about a challenging time to be adopting!

Who knew how much our lives would change over the following year. Not me for sure. I had plans to be back in the classroom by October and resume the juggle of my life. In the end, I didn't go back until January and even then we were plagued by random illness that took us out. (chicken pox and hep A) And to top it off Ian changed jobs and we moved to Ft. Lauderdale- leaving behind the only home my kids had ever really known.

Yesterday my team went back to school to prepare for a new school year. A chunk of my heart is definately with them. I really do find my bliss teaching and the only perk of my kids getting older will be my return to teaching. In the mean time, I am learning to adjust to being an at home mommy again. This would be so much more fun if I were Mrs. Brady and Alice was in my kitchen all day long. (or in my house she would be in the laundry room all day long!) Playing with the kids is the fun part- but cleaning up the same floor (counter..table...window...) for the tenth time that day lacks any sense of fulfillment doesn't it.

Hats off to all the mommies out there.

Key West Family Time

My kids and thier solitary cousin on my side.

Ragan is seriously the cutest, sweetest kid in the world. Shh... don't tell my own kids I said that. I am supposed to be partial aren't I? It is such a shame that I live so far away and get to have such little time with her. She is genuinely the kindest person with an amazing smile.
This is my brother. My only sibling. And his wife, Sandra who secretly must have a wonderwoman cape. She owns and runs her own business and keeps a home to her very particular standards and she has managed to raise such a beautiful girl all while putting up with my brother- who by the way I can witness is a pain in the behind quite often. God Bless Her.


We all went to Key West last week and had a fabulous time. They were so patient having to put up with 2 preschooler's schedules. Traveling with little ones can be such a challenge when they need to eat regularly and get sleep or they become so fussy and willful. It was Hot with a capital H. But Fun with a captital F. Now I can say I have been.

We also made my first trip to the Ft. Lauderdale beach. I should encourage everyone to support the local tourism, but personally I think you should all pass. It isn't even in my top 10 beaches. Although it doesn't have seeweed or oil clumps of tar on it. It is clean.

Happy Anniversary Honey

It has been a wonderful 17 years.

Not always perfect.
Not always predictable.

But always wonderful because I was with you.

This is the Day God Has Made

Reflections on our last day with her: June 19, 2008



It just couldn't have been more magical and perfect. It was the day we needed to leave with.



When we got there Hope was outside on the playground with ALL of the orphanage. Not only was she walking (remember she wasn't supposed to be able to) but she was climbing up the steps, sitting down, sliding to a care giver and walking back to the steps. She was taking turns with a friend. Then she saw us and RAN as best as she could across the uneven ground. It was slow and wobbly but it was a great run for the terrain. (Forrest)



We stayed and played for a short bit. She looked like such a super star in comparison to all of the many needs of the orphans. So many had clear FASD. Small, hard to look at, heads. Drooling, unable to sit up, some almost comatose.. We played with her and her friends. And then we had to take her on her first trip. So the caregivers took her inside, changed her and brought her to the nurse who would go with us.



That was the day we took her passport photo. What a great experience! She rode in a car. This couldn't have been her first ride. She got from the hospital there some how. She was comfortable sitting in the caregivers lap and riding to the strip center. Shocking given how the day we left with her in August she would NOT get in that car. She held onto the door for dear life and screamed like I had never heard before. She really did think she was dying the day we took her away. That day she buried her face in my chest and wept for an hour. Poor girl!But on this first ride, in her nurses' arms she was happy to look around and take it all in. She is still very very observant and very good at copying. I was teaching Aidan how to make an A yesterday and I look over and she has made one! She is two!!! (Always off the charts on fine motor development. From moment one this has been a huge gift- but making an A isn't just picking up a small bead-- it is visual recognition, following a series of of steps after retaining the information- muscle control- eye/hand coordination... writing is actually a complex action...soap box intermission: I love Handwriting without tears. They have a home version if you need remediation or have a preschooler.)
Back to the story: Ariana hated sitting on the chair for the photo. Even with the nurse holding her she was TERRIFIED. I think she was waiting for the shots to come. It had to resemble the hospital with all the bright lights...But when we went outside to wait she whipped her head side to side taking in everything from the people to the dogs and birds.... The cars, the shopping carts and strollers being pushed....She was in awe of this new world she had never seen. She mostly wanted Ian to hold her. I think being such a large guy (he is 6'4") she could not only see better, but his arms certainly feel safe. It was another great sign. She wouldn't always withdraw in a strange situation. If she trusted she would learn and grow.



When we got back she was exhausted. Her groupa had already napped and she had so much to process. She changed and fell fast asleep. We went out to eat. We brought back McDonalds for the whole group teachers and the director. They didn't want me to but I insisted. I am a teacher and I love when parents bring in lunch from the "outside". Clearly her caregivers did too!!! I was lucky enough to then sit in the play area and play with her groupa while she finished sleeping. We sang songs, and did finger plays. It was so fun to hug and love on them. I knew they all had families. But I also knew those families would rest better knowing someone was making their son/daughter giggle that day . That they had such joy. I know I would!!



Yes, well good intentions you know! Hope(Ariana's name then) woke up and the caregiver brought her into the groupa. She took one look at me with the others climbing all over me and it was instant betrayal. I hopped up knowing instantly that I had to show her how I would drop everything for her. That she was my light. Oh how she rejected me. She didn't want me to hold her. I still took her. She arched away and looked away. I sat her down to feed her and she refused to eat.. Then Ian walked in with the translator. She grinned. Here was the man who had not betrayed her. He had loyally waited for just her. She reached for him and he smiled and picked her up. He said Papa and for the first time she spoke a recognizable word to us "papa!".



Well, that is all it took. She should have asked for diamonds and a Porche at that moment. They would have been hers. There would be no separating the two of them. No separating us- a new family. In that instant I felt as protective as a mother bear. In that instant tears filled my eyes and as much as I would have stepped in front of a bus for my boys I would have done the same for her. She became my child and I her mother forever.



We went outside to walk and push her. She needed us alone some more and we need to revel in our day.



We had a daughter.



We had our peace.



Life had turned a corner and it would never be the same again. She belonged with us as much as the sun belongs in the sky.



Were we still nervous about what that meant? yep.

I was also nervous about becoming pregnant with Aidan. I was old. I had the amnio to make sure he was ok. No, we couldn't abort him if anything had been wrong, but what we could do was make sure every test was run and the doctors had ALL of the information possible to give him the best start in life. There were going to be no surprises. I needed to be mentally prepared. I was terrified that getting pregnant so old would be a mistake for Corbin and Collin. I was going to make a choice that would forever change their lives. That new baby boy would take my time and money from them. (sound familiar!)


So, yes we ended that day wondering what the future held. But what we knew from that moment forward was that whatever the future did hold- it would include her.

That was definitely the kind of day we needed to say good bye with.



It was exactly 50 horrible days long. The wait I mean. 50 days I had to endure until I was back to her. I can't expect anyone other than a IAP to understand what those 50 days with your child on the other side of the earth in an orphanage was like.



If anyone thinks the wait for a referral is bad, they have no idea until they do the court trip wait. Both are ugly parts of adoption. But the second was my worst. Fortunately, through the power of the Internet I met others who were adopting from Fryazino and when they went for their court dates they took photos of her and sent them to me via email (acutally, they took my specific directions to her groupa door and her name to the caregivers and they took her photos for us as those parents could not go in the room) . That really did help.



The next day was Friday June 20th. It was our 16th anniversary, the date of our medical exam and the first day of our wait. It was SOO hard to be right there in Moscow but unable to make the long drive out to Fryazino AND get our medical and do the notarizing we needed to do.



But we had our Thursday to hold on to and to cherish. We had lots of photos and videos of her. We were ready to show our boys their sister and start preparing them for her arrival.



With in the week there were photos of her all around our home right next to our sons. She already belonged.



Today she calls me mama and Ian daddy. She loves us. I am sure of it. She expects comfort from me and she is a happy girl. We have dreams and plans for her just as we do all of our kids. I love that I get to share her life with her. I love that she doesn't have to have my genetic make up. I LOVE that she has a tiny butt and didn't get the Dowdy butt gene. I love her super curly hair. Hair that I used to pay 100s of dollars for and with in days it was straight again. I have even had students give me locks of their curls- that is how much God put a love of curls on my heart. To the T she was everything I ever dreamt of in a daughter. From being tiny to being so insanely girly. And Independent at the same time. I have known her in my heart for years. From the time I was 9 I thought she would come from China.. but I was heading in the wrong direction. The child God drew on my heart first and strongest was to the East. He knew it would take a deep rooted need to get from 3 sons and a tight budget to the leap of faith it meant to travel to her and bring her home.



And He rewards the faithful!

Reflecting on June 18, 2008

Wednesday, June 18, 2008 was the day that we faced the fork in the road so to speak. We were armed with frightening information. Information although we had no present physical information to back up, we must acknowledge as a possibility. No, we had to acknowledge and view it as a truth. And this historical information laid out a potential future right out of our nightmares. Everything we were supposed to be avoiding.

In our minds we debated the information.
This is a scary prediction.
She looks and acts so normal (for an orphan).
You have to think of the boys. Of Aidan who will grow up with her.
Look at the progress this angel has made in one year. If we never knew this and only had the present to go on we would pinch ourselves with joy.

In our hearts there was turmoil.

She had connected to Ian so well. An answer to my biggest prayer as he was the most concerned before leaving.
I can't say it was love at first sight. But there was no way that my heart would entertain taking another little girl home and leaving her. We couldn't even bear the thought of going to the MOE and asking to meet someone else even if Nadia would remain available to us.
The turmoil was some sort of connection that made us protective of her and the need to protect our sons.


We went Wednesday to see Nadia again. This time we seemed to have established some sort of routine with her. She wasn't upset to see us. She just viewed us as a private part of her new routine.

We had accepted her as our referral the day before on paper. Before we got the news from Dr. Gordina. We had accepted her on paper but not totally in our hearts. We knew there was time to change our minds, especially after Dr. G called.

But Wednesday went so normal for us. I did get to feed her some gruel. And she drank a bit. She still wasn't into the food I brought and she was a big rule follower. She only ate when the caregiver said it was ok. We went outside and enjoyed some sun. It had been raining the other days. She loved the play ground and being pushed along in a stroller or on a tricycle with a handle. She still does! We just kept marking milestones off on all of my developmental charts. Remember I had a binder full of them and it is my profession to evaluate children. One thing Dr. G did comment on was how amazing my reports to her were. Very objective and highly observant. OK. This is my life. You don't test 4 and 5 year olds. You pay attention. And my attention on her just kept demonstrating that as she felt comfortable we saw a child who was very close to normal. I think she was around the 18 month mark and she was 21 months old. Pretty amazing for a girl who couldn't sit up at 1. (had been in the hospital waiting for a spot in the orphanage. The minute she made it to Fryazino, she soared developmentally)
This girl was smart. That isn't just a mom talking. I have now had her tested by 3 specialists now. She is SMART. CRAZY SMART. The question was: Would she use her powers for good? Time and time again we saw things that made us certain she could. The way she didn't let us feed her unfamiliar food. She had a sense of not trusting. The way she cried for her caregiver and the way she was comfortable and more capable around her caregiver. The fact that she demonstrated stress with us (her eyes dilated, her shoulders would go up and she would make loose fists- small things that no one else ever caught but me and one professional) Truth is that she still gets stressed. When things happen you can see her brain lets out an unusual amount of cortisol. Not the typical reaction. She goes in- and no one else- not even Ian notices it. But I do. If she falls when walking in a pool or can't reach her food- watch the eyes dilate. Watch the shoulders stiffen. Smaller signs. Signs that I just need to help her control the cortisol. Everyone has issues. I am mildly dyslexic and predisposed to be overweight. So we compensate if we want success. I study much harder and if I want to be healthy I have to work harder than some. She will benefit greatly from biofeedback as she learns to train her responses .
Ok, I went on a tangent. I was talking about the signs of normalcy. The signs of hope. Even Dr. Gordina couldn't find a behavior that she was currently exhibiting that pointed to RAD or FASD. So far, she consistently reacted in text book responses. For her- having been through so much that first year, she shouldn't be trusting or confident. She wasn't mommy shopping. But she didn't hit or run from us either. She showed that she understood how to nurture through the way she took care of her stuffed animals. Even needing a stuffed animal to help her to be with us was a great coping mechanism. She never went back into her head the way she withdrew that first few hours on that first day with us. I don't think that I blogged how that experience ended with her falling asleep in my arms. I got her to the point where she relaxed enough to sleep in my arms that first day- but it was helped greatly by the exhaustion from the stress she was under. Her brain just needed to reboot in my opinion. And it was her scheduled nap time which also helped.

By Wednesday we were her friends. Playmates. We were there for her enjoyment and entertainment. We were not parental or caregiver figures at all. It was good that she could classify relationships too.

I have to admit we probably went looking for a reason to say, "no" in the back of our minds. But there was just this bond we were building. A connection. And she never gave us any reason to say no. In fact being with her we were only filled with 'yes'. Sure she was an orphan. Sure she had very little muscle development and therefor balance. Sure she was skinny and tiny. But I had prayed for a tiny girl who I could carry around. My 10lb newborns were hard to carry and comfort. My arms went numb and my back ached. I had to always sit with them. But she was a feather and I could hold her forever... except that she was a toddler who was ready to go go go as they all do. She would go for a toy and then come back to us which was a great sign. Yep, she had little hair. Probably malnutrition from birth and then due to the giardia. But also a big result of the cortisol (stress hormone). Her hair still grows thin- and I think it is because she still does more cortisol than typical and her gut I am sure will take time to heal (so she doesn't absorb all the nutrients). But thankfully I followed on the heals of others. I had seen countless gotcha day photos. Yep. Some are baby buddahs. Healthy and Strong. But mostly they were thin, sick and needy. I taught an amazing little boy last year who went straight to Vanderbilt hospital upon arrival. He is the athlete of the year now. She looked so much better than most of the kids I had seen and read about.

We left feeling so much better. We left much more confident. Yes, in the back of our minds we knew we could still change our mind, but we didn't want to. We couldn't let go yet. But, we weren't 100% committed yet either. And that is the ugly but true fact. I can be embarrassed to admit it. I can avoid putting it in print knowing that Ariana will someday read it. But, I hope she also sees two parents who didn't rush into taking her in. We took our decision very seriously. Two parents who decided they were going to love and stick by her no matter what. Two parents who didn't turn and run the other way to see what other choices were out there (was door #2 better?) Two parents that care for their children and don't take life altering experiences lightly. Just as we had to protect our sons then, we now feel just as protective of her. I hope she also sees how SHE lights up our lives and always has. No matter what other people think or say or what her life's report card looks like. We see the amazing wonder that is our Hope.

In retrospect you can always see God's plan.

Really. How would this little girl have ever been available to us if she didn't have her story? Her groupa was all destined for Russian families all except 2 kids. She would have never made it off the database if she had arrived to the orphanage as strong as she was when she left. Her need for development bought me time. And Russians like young girls. Being a little older did help my cause, her dark hair/eyes and complexion did help a bit too- although she had a Russian last name. But I am sure the court case is the only reason she could be so amazing, so beautiful, and still there for us. God had a plan. He protected her through her trials. He protected her brain, her organs, her body, her spirit. He carried her through her desert. I don't know how I can possibly be her promised land- but she is certainly ours.

The Darkest Hour- looking back a year later

I look back and notice that I didn't actually post a blog on the Tuesday of my visit last year. That is quite understandable as that is when the poop hit the fan so to speak.

Tuesday started out bright. We had gotten great preliminary news from Dr. M. We saw her shine with her care givers. We were still guarded when we got there on Tuesday but by the time we left we were ready to parent this little girl. The day started out bright- cloud nine in fact.

I pause to thank God for Ondrea (which I do frequently). Ondrea has not only adopted 3 herself from Russia but she is a social worker who helped families just like ours. Ondrea was God's arms that day as she carried us through. Well, Ondrea and all of those amazing FRUA friends who had posted their tales.. Well, ok, Ondrea, my FRUA friends and the mothers of the Russian babies in my classroom. All of these people reminded me that orphans are often in great need when you meet them. They often have very sad prognoses but with attention, not ignorance, you can help them grow and thrive.

It may have started out bright, but it ended dark as dark gets.

That Tuesday was my darkest hour. That Tuesday we had fallen in love and decided to make Ariana a member of our family. And then, Dr. Gordina scared the heck out of us with FASD and RAD stories. She insisted this was her future and that we shouldn't let love play a part in the decision. She had warned us to stay objective. She was doing her job. Her job wasn't to tell us what we wanted to hear but to make sure we knew the worst it could be and make sure we wouldn't disrupt the adoption if that ever came to pass.

Anguish.

We knew one thing. We did not want to meet another child. We wanted to take the whole week to decide what was right for her and our family.

Despair.

Desperation.

All consuming sadness...

It was like a death of sorts. We were sure she was fine. She had no FASD features. She had no organ issues at all. She had low muscle tone and rickets. But, as I spent two days going through all kinds of developmental charts I continued to tick off the accomplishments. She actually cried on the second day. Like "you are going to make me do this again?? Take me home!" but we got her to play ball and with stuffed animals. We watched her with her groupa and caregiver again and that was when she showed what she could do. That was when her spirit lit up.
Her health seemed so great. Her development so amazing for an orphanage. We were sure all would be fine.

But, Dr. G called that night.

Dr. G laid it on the line.

Dr. G forced us to look to a possible future with a girl incapable of love, empathy, understanding. A girl who would hurt others because she had no concept of pain in that way.
A girl whose brain had been damaged.
A girl who would need order in our chaos.
A girl who would hit and bite.
A girl who would throw tantrums.
A girl who would need real help.

We cried.
We talked.
We sat in silence and mourned our loss of the girl we thought we met.

We talked to Dr. G again. She could hear the depression. She told us it was doable but we would need professional help.

That night we went to bed about as low as one can go.
They say drug addicts hit bottom. OK, this has to be something like that bottom. We weren't suicidal, but again- a really black bottom dwelling kind of place. Someplace so dark that eventually tears couldn't be shed. We could only ball up and withdraw a lot like the little girl we met on the first day.

The only thing worse that I can imagine is the death of a child or spouse.


A year later, Ariana is in her crib playing and reading books as I try to crank out my third remembrance installment.
We did hire professionals.
We did have attachment issues that lasted far longer than my friends'.

Now, I am far more concerned with my 3 year old son's male aggressive habits than hers. He wants to wrestle. (even after 3 boys I can't stand this ritual)

Ariana still has the beautiful spirit we met. She is a joy in spite of all the chaos we throw at her.

Knowledge is power. And knowledge led us to many professionals who have guided us to give Ariana the best we can.

If it hadn't been for Dr. G, we probably never would have hired any of them because she was so normal for an orphan. So typical. But, I am glad we did.

That little girl's brother just crawled in her bed with her and they are giggling so beautifully. Ummm ok, that probably means I should go check and see what double trouble is up to!

I am so glad that day is a distant memory. I am so grateful that my husband and I followed our hearts and lept. We let the girl in front of us lead our decision not the files and papers. We let what we could see, hear, touch, smell, and enjoy tell us what we needed to hear. We let our heart speak of what it knew to be true rather than our brains squash us with what ifs based on a bunch of maybes.

I can also share now too, that we felt huge pressure to say yes in the first hour from our translator. We learned from Dr. G that we were told half truths and now that we have all kinds of conflicting documents, we can't believe much of anything at all. We don't even know if mom was the drunk they claim she was. Ana certainly came unscathed from what apparently was a woman who only drank. I can't be upset. If she had been dropped of at birth, without a story to scare PAPs away the Russian's would have adopted her long ago. If the courts knew how developmentally perfect she was and how she just needed to get rid of the Giardia so she could gain some weight, they would have denied my request.

A year later I look at that as my darkest hour. I hope with all my heart that it remains that way forever. I never ever want to feel that low again.

God Bless all those who carried us in their own way that week. Most are unaware that a story they shared gave us the hope we needed. A few had to literally be our rocks. God bless everyone of those who helped us through that dark day in their own way.

Then and Now

A year ago today we went to the MOE and were offered the referral for an angel named Nadia (Hope). My how time really changes things! Here is how much difference a year can make!

Last year :
I met a little girl who was a victim. She shook as a single tear flowed down her cheek. She was silent. She allowed the doctor to manhandle her with no complaints and clearly she was with drawing into her own mind to avoid acknowledging what was happening to her. I worried that she would grow up to be a victim, allowing the world to beat her up along the way. That little girl was terrified of the world around her and certainly knew better than to complain or protest.
A Year Later:
Ariana has found her voice and her will. Ariana has no problem screaming "NO". She will happily run away when you say it is nap time. She gleefully resists when you go tell her it is time to get out of the tub or pool. She isn't going to let a doctor measure her much less give her a shot without a fit. GO ARIANA!!
Last Year:
We tried to get Ariana to eat cheerios or toddler finger foods. We brought bananas and even tried to feed her the gruel from the orphanage. There was NO way she was going to let Ian or I feed her. She did let her caregiver feed her, but she hardly ate or drank. (Hello- maybe the INSANE giardia infection she was dealing with had a little to do with it! I can't believe they missed it. )
This Year
After two rounds of Giardia treatments (after 2 months of being home and our own pediatrician missed it because she didn't have any tummy bloating) the girl got an appetite. Now, today, heck she will gladly eat you out of house and home. For dinner she ate her own bowl of pasta. Followed by a huge bowl of yogurt. Followed by a great majority of my bowl of pasta... She has a happier tummy AND she trusts us now. Before she only trusted the caregiver to feed her. She did feed us the cheerios and the toddler food which Dr. Gordina said was a good thing. That she knew better than to openly trust us- and that she was testing us when she fed us. She isn't into feeding us anymore. She will share, but I have to ask.
Last year:
Ariana wasn't interested in playing with toys. I tried to blow bubbles and she wouldn't touch them. She did like rolling a ball to us.
This year: She has dumped most of the bins of toys in the playroom out and she is having her own fiesta! This very moment the toy of choice is a musical choo choo train.
Last year: She didn't say anything to us.
This year: OK, I admit it, I do pray for silence now and then. I should be grateful instead shouldn't I?
Last year: She could point to her nose, ears, mouth and rock a baby doll while her caregiver sang in Russian. (Only when the caregiver asked her to).
This year: She can point to almost any part of her body. She not only rocks a baby, she puts them in a high chair and feeds them, she puts them in the doll bed and she bundles them up.
Last year: She needed a stuffed animal with her when she left her room to come be with us. It was a bunny the first day.
This year: No security items at all. She has a favorite blanket right now- it is a quilt Betty George made her. I had plans that it would be a decoration in her room. Ana had other plans and if she is dragging anything around, it is that blanket.
Last year: She was daddy's girl. She definitely preferred Ian that first day..OK the first week.
This year: She is still a daddy's girl. Somethings don't change after all!
Last year: She wobbled when she walked on that first day. We thought she had just learned to walk that week. Her records said she wasn't walking.... (actually at the end of the week we saw a slow and awkward run)
This week: Walk, run, twirl, climb, crawl, scoot, slide, creep, wiggle, roll, flip.... I think she is a gymnast- but she certainly isn't behind in any way in the motor department. Unfortunately, my gymnast knows how to unbuckle the car seat and she likes to perform her tricks as we drive down the freeway causing me to pull over. Buckle her up again. Drive about 2 miles and repeat. The only solution to said problem is a video sufficient enough to distract her.
Last year: We heard that her body was totally healthy -- well Rickets, and weak muscles, but by and large she was healthy. But, if her mother's lifestyle was as unhealthy as reported we were warned that she could have FASD or RAD.
This year: Honestly it wouldn't be right to say we are out of the woods. I think we can say that around 8 or 9 years old. BUT, I can say that at this point none of the therapists see that kind of evidence. Her titers showed very little immunity. We still haven't vaccinated her. I need to do that as soon as we return from our vacation. I wanted her to have a year to just get strong. I plan on following the DAN doctor's vaccination schedule. That being said, she has been amazingly healthy. For a child just exposed to American versions of germs she has done astoundingly well. She only had one fever. Given that she did go to day care and we carted her all over town, I think her immunity is pretty strong. Not bad for a girl who spent the first year of her life in and out of the hospital for malnutrition.
Last year: I wondered we added her to our family if she would take our time away from the boys we already had. Would her needs be so great they would suffer? Would she physically hurt them? Would she have needs so expensive they would go without? Would she be able to love, to enjoy, to be part of our family. Would the boys even like or tolerate her? She acted like a kitten fished out of a lake, but her prognosis was that of a lion.
This year: I just love God! She is such a testament to his presence. Forget all the professionals. She thrives in our chaos. She loves me and hugs on me and she absolutely adores her father. He puts the stars in her eyes. She doesn't mommy shop anymore, but she does show off and fish for compliments! And, her brothers all adore her as she adores them. She and Aidan are the best of friends- and that does include a little sibling abuse now and then. She swipes a toy from him and runs.. He knocks her over. But Aidan just ran down here, grabbed a small airplane and said he got it from school for Ariana, and took off upstairs to give it to her. I hear her frequent cry "c'mon bru bru c'mon!" She has completed our family. We all have our imperfections and shortcomings. None of the Robsons are candidates for the 'perfect' family or even the 'remotely perfect' family or the 'kinda sorta maybe' perfect family. We are the Flawed Family.

A year ago I wondered what we should do. What choice we should make.
A year ago tonight, we were fairly certain she was our daughter, but we tried to stay rational and wait for the Dr. to read all the documents.
A year ago tonight we had only just begun to feel the weight of the decision. For, the little girl we met touched our hearts.

A year later, I give thanks to God for more things than I can list. For more people than I can list. For more experiences than I can list. He knows our hearts. He knows the lists. He knew all along.
Praise be to God!


( For posterity for Ariana: Today, we had to go to the courthouse to get your passport documents verified so you can get your passport in time to go to Atlantis. We then took them to daddy's office. It was the first time for Aidan, Ariana and I to go. We met all the people daddy works with, saw his office and ate in the cafeteria. We then had to get Corbin from high school and run to Fed Ex since the passport agency needed the SS card too- even though the courthouse said we didn't need it. We finally got a nap around 4pm and then you woke up to meet our new housekeeper Luz and have dinner. Now you are playing with all the men of the house while I enjoy the few minutes I get to try to capture these memories in a time capsule of shorts. It wasn't exactly the day I would have planned, but honestly the fact that we can have such a mundane normal day is a blessing all in itself. )

A Year Later

Tomorrow marks the beginning of my "A year Later" posts. For, a year ago tomorrow we went to the MOE and got our referral for Ariana. I remember the MOE putting two photos on the table. I am ashamed to admit that I looked at the two photos and because I was thinking I would receive an non-Russian looking child, I was sure the other photo was Ariana and horribly I was jealous that the other family was going to meet the beautiful amazing child in the first photo. And, then, the MOE slid the more ethnic looking picture towards our travel partners. I actually pray for that child often in silence. That little boy turned out to have some pretty profound medical challenges. I still wear insane amounts of guilt over how I reacted to that simple photo... but my heart was busy yearning for my daughter. My Ariana. The beauty in the photo that I couldn't take my eyes off of. I will write more tomorrow, but today I was outside blowing bubbles with Aidan and Ariana and remembering how I brought Gymboree bubbles with me for our first visit. Ariana was not interested in the bubbles at all. She didn't seem to even acknowledge their presence and these are the bubbles that don't pop unless you attack them. The floor was covered with them and she had nothing to do with them. She was such a scared wet kitten. A victim. I wondered if she would ever learn to say no and defend herself or if she would be a victim forever.
And, now, a year later my daughter lets me rock her. My daughter calls me mama and screams at me and says NO so much I struggle to remember that little girl in the orphanage.

Crap.

Crap. That is all it really is. Crap.
You see the movers 'unpacked' for us. Meaning that they unloaded the boxes and placed everything on the nearest flat surface. Even if it was laundry detergent and somehow the box was in Ariana's bedroom. Then they happily ran off with the boxes which you can now buy from them on Craig's list I am sure. So, I am hyperventilating every time I walk into a room.


This is the playroom.

I am willing to pay good money for someone who has that organization gene to come and help me out here!!! I am in way way way over my head.

Holly Ralph - forget about camp. Come and rescue me!!!! What in the world am I supposed to do with all of this CRAP. How do I begin to get started???

(Hey, the downstairs is clean. That is good right?? Now, the garage is frightening- and the fact that they only take one garbage can twice a week is a problem. I think we already have more than we can toss out for the entire summer!)

I want a fancy quilt for my king size bed. Anyone have any suggestions? I want something formal, washable and comfie. The trinity of sorts :).

Moving Day

So, it is June 3, 2009 and talk about your crazy days!!!
It was the last day of school for the boys which meant the traditional "Cardboard Boat Race" for fifth grade. (build a boat from cardboard and duct tape- NOTHING else- and paddle it across the pool). Collin made it across but the Duck Boat sunk in the second heat of the race. It was a riot to watch!!
Aidan has 2 teachers for his 3yr old room- both of whom are pregnant. On Tuesday, Mrs. B, who was a week past due, was induced and had a baby boy, YEA! Meanwhile she left her 8month pregnant partner to do Water Day, yesterday, with a substitute teacher. Mrs. Nelson complained all day long about her false labor pains and by 3pm she was crying. Through her tears she said, "It isn't real. I don't have any back labor. It is too early." God loves to laugh as we know and Olivia Nelson was born this morning at 6:30am, so Aidan had 2 substitutes for his last day of school. Who cared? The kids had a free play day and we were all so happy to hear there were 2 healthy babies. I also found out that another dear friend is pregnant after trying for a year. I literally started to cry. I am so joyful for her.
On to Ana who spent the day with my mom and dad while Ian and I were boy busy. Good day for the girls to play.
And lastly, I am about to get ready to attend my son's graduation from Independent Day School where he has attended since kindergarten. I will attempt to get some photos to post of our pride and joy. Today is really all about him and such a big milestone in his life. He can't really remember a time when he didn't go to IDS.

Now add to all that mess a huge moving van that arrived yesterday to box everything up and today they are loading our home. Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of our lives. Tomorrow is our first day not belonging to IDS. Tomorrow we unload our moving van in Weston, Florida to begin a new journey. Talk about trepidation. I am letting both big boys bring a friend with them so they have someone there to help them explore the great unknown.

As much as I have to say, I need to go throw stuff in my car and then get ready for graduation. I think I am procrastinating. It is so darn hot out there!

Ana and her Nana

Nana came to visit her Ana. Say that five times fast!

Make up Magic

This is the before..... Before I discovered the princess make up I got her for Christmas. The makeup she really was just a little to young to enjoy. Five months later, I think she enjoyed it...

This is my angel using an eyeshadow brush with glitter lip gloss to gloss up her legs.... OK, maybe I am not the best make up role model. How would she know how to use makeup? That would imply I used it regularly. I painted her toes... she painted... well... everything else! Her feet...her knees.. her forehead...

Check out the lipstick! Now, imagine my face covered like Pocahontas. Ahhh the sacrifices we make!


And here are my toes. The ones Ariana painted for me! Aren't they just perfect!!!

Proof that it was my angel who pulled off that masterpiece above. Such talent at 2. And, she works for chocolate chip cookies.

Really, I just had to post because it was such a mommy/daughter moment. One of the many I dreamt about over the years. The whole event was a slice of heaven I have waited a long long time for. My brother might have an inkling of how much I truly enjoyed myself and how hard it will be to wash my face and clean up my feet.

Thank you, Ariana for making another one of my dreams come true.

I love you!!!

Photos!

I totally deserve a flogging! Way too long for some photos!

I wish everyone out there an amazing mother's day. Especially those who joined me in motherhood this past year as an adoptive parent. I have to say, all throughout my adoption journey I was worried. I didn't know if I was doing the right thing for the boys the Lord had already given me. Many times that fear almost took over. But in the instance that I thought of giving up my dream of parenting a daughter, a sick feeling took over and I just knew that I couldn't give up. Just the thought of choosing to stand still left this enormous ache in my chest. Quite literally, my chest would tense up as if a huge piece was being ripped out. It felt much like an intense grief so unbearable that I HAD to move forward. Almost a year later from when I met Ariana I can only speak of the joys of parenting a daughter. Thank God himself that he put in me such a huge huge need/longing/knowing (or whatever it was) for my baby girl. I have given birth three times to ten pound baby boys (yep naturally). Two of those births could have killed me and all the pregnancies were quite yucky. BUT, hands down, that was so so so much easier than adoption. I would love to have another little girl in our lives, but the experience it took to get to her is such a deterant I just don't see that happening again in our future. Just the thought of starting again with a homestudy churns my stomache- and that was the easy part.

But I will say that God has surpased my wildest expectations. Parenting a daughter IS that wonderful. It is even more of the gift than I ever thought it would be. It is funny that the boys have my DNA becasue most of the time they are foreigners to me. What exactly are they thinking?? On the other hand, I totally GET Ariana! And yes, dear friends, the love of shoes is in fact linked to the X chromosome. I really see so much of myself in Ariana. Now, she is a creature that I can understand.

I love my boys smiles and their willingness to get dirty.I love how easy going my guys are and how dressing them in the morning is a three second task as nothing needs to match. Infact it doesn't even need to be clean in their opinion. I love my daughters passion for dress up. I love my little boy's innocent smile. And, my daughter's smile after all she has endured is the most priceless gift I can imagine. I love the relationship Ariana and Aidan have. She is as much a gift to him as he is to her. Today she was pointing and counting matrushkah dolls- something Aidan is learning at school. He comes home and hugs her and kisses her before he does anything else. He grabs her by the hand and drags her around. He treasures her.

Just to paint a fair picture for any PAPs out there. Boys are rough. Think of a basket of puppies and you begin to understand what having sons is like.. they love to wrestle, and be rough. They love to destroy things- and if it is your favorite pair of shoes or vase-forget about it, it WILL be the victim... And, girls... they whine! DRAMA DRAMA DRAMA. It is all such drama. Buy ear plugs! It won't bring you silence, but it will dampen the shrill so you can think straight and be rational. :)

Enjoy the slide show!
Michelle

Wonderful Wednesday Morning!!!

After all of my whining, I can officially say that in this exact moment, I am relaxed, peaceful and ever so happy!

We made it to Weston, where we will be officially living in a couple of months. The ride bordered on torture, but the results are worth it. I am sitting in our 1 bedroom condo at 8:30 and the house is SILENT!!!! I have been up over an hour with nothing particular to do, so I caught up on some blogs and enjoyed the peace. If I were in Tampa, I would be on my hands and knees getting up more of those blasted paint dots, or I would be out shopping for new pillows for Corbin's bed... when I am there, I can find thousands of things that I can do to make our home look a little better. Just the thought of how it probably needs to be swept outside( lots of these little black specks fall from the new roof) makes my heart race with anxiety, my shoulders get tight and painful and I feel a mixture of adrenaline and exhaustion all at the same time. I am SO glad I escaped. Yesterday, all 4 kids were home and it just about killed me. We stayed gone most of the day, but I can't escape the pressure. Of course, a surprise tour occurred while my junk was thrown all over so I could pack!! Thank YOU God for inspiring me to have all undergarments put away, so only random things like cell chargers and swim suits were in the pile. Whew.

Ian has rented a vacation villa for the next two months. We stayed here when Corbin came for his interviews and really enjoyed it. The Robson's are giving it 6 thumbs up so far. There are 3 pools right outside our 1st floor patio. 1 is a big lap pool for adults. The second is a shallow, yet large toddler pool with the mushroom waterfalls. The last is actually a monstrous hot tub. My youngest 3 spent the better part of Sunday enjoying the pools. I suspect they will want a redo today, but it is on the nippy side for mommy, so I need a plan of distraction! I can't believe I actually feel like I could get a book and read!!!

Have I mentioned that I got to hug my husband too! I actually got to sleep next to him. ((sigh)) Of course everyone is now stirring and it will be time to feed the mob. But, I gratefully praise HIM for the wonderful moment of peace. Thank YOU.